Thanks for nothing, airbags. Should have died.
December 9, 2009
Snarky Sorority
I had alot of free time on my hands today, so I decided to try something new, and I bought a porno from Comcast On Demand. And don’t act like paying for it makes me some sort of disgusting freak; paying for porn is no different than whacking it to uploaded Facebook pictures of girls in slutty halloween costumes…not that I do that. I’m sorry if this is news to you, ladies, but “schoolgirl” is no longer sexy because the short skirts make your legs look chunky and do nothing for your pancake ass, while the thick glasses emphasize your large ears, asymmetrical face and chubby cheeks, and the unbuttoned shirt that’s tied just above your waist simply draws stares to your protruding gut and ever so delectable muffin top.
Returning to the lecture at hand, this has to be the worst waste of $9.99 ever. I am currently watching a very fat gap-toothed girl with “rock” tattooed on one hand, and “roll” on the other vigorously attempting to pleasure herself, withuptempo jazz music featured as the soundtrack.
THIS IS NOT WHAT I PAID FOR. The film (I use the term film very loosely…as loosely as the cooches on TV are dangling) is titled, “Slutty Sorority”. You would imagine, that this film might have something to do with drunken co-eds exploring their sexual identities with each other after a night of raucous partying, culminating in a very sensual pillow fight, as they push the boundaries of their collegiate sexuality while Peter Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like I Do” echoes softly in the background. The description was way off, as well…here’s what it said:
Slutty Sorority Sisters: Hot Dorm Room Sex – These young girls are so desperate to be included in this exclusive sorority, they get nude and naughty for our cameras – and so much more!
Bullshit. I kid you not, this is merely a collection of some of the nastiest looking, has-been porn stars I have ever seen doing nothing but fingering themselves.
Uptempo jazz? Really?
Comcast, I want my money back.
December 8, 2009
Upper Darby Rocks
If ever you’re worried that a comedy show sponsored by the best local radio show isn’t going to be funny, just sit in front of a homeless guy who wandered in sniffing shitty beer and nachos – he’ll make sure to never laugh, for your sake, and point out EVERYTHING that could even potentially have the caliber to be funny.
You’ll know, because with every breath the comedian takes, he’ll say “Now, that was funny.” With the same intonation over and over and over again.
It’s so helpful when you don’t have the ability to determine the difference between something fucking hilarious and the rest of your life.
December 7, 2009
Musings of a fat, bloated fish
That fish would be me. Co-author of this website found the fattest, ugliest fish in my uh… mother’s psuedo-fiance’s giant fish tank and could only think of one name for her.
Laura.
So, some of my posts will just be devoted to my random musings of snark. Because I have a lot to say – just in short bursts that have nothing to do with one another.
Think of it like a haiku with poetic license.
I love talking about myself. It puts me and anyone unfortunate enough to listen in a compromised position, though… because most of the time, the end to my story really doesn’t exist because I just wanted to ramble.
If you’re a frequent visitor to a couple of snark, you’ll notice Zack has amended “I have a big ass” to most of my posts.
This is very true, though I have yet to conference with the Ying-Yang Twins about it. However, I did knock a phone off of a desk last week with my ass… it was weird, because I wasn’t even that close to the desk.
I understand Facebook is a social networking site, but I’m sure it was not intended to be accessed like all users are in the first grade.
Without fail, everytime anything remotely pop-culture-esque happens, every single person I went to high school with needs to make it their status AND like everyone else’s who has the SAME EXACT ONE.
We know Michael Jackson died – your two cents is not appreciated. Tiger Woods was in a car accident? HOLY SHIT how would I have ever figured this without someone who I haven’t talked to in three years telling me this?
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is on? Why don’t you update your status everytime you laugh at something Danny DeVito says… thanks, I’ll be refreshing my page all night and won’t even have to watch the show.
I can’t wait to delete that shit.
If I cared what you have to say, I’d fucking follow you on Twitter. Duh – that’s where people care what you’re doing every 46 seconds.
Not really, but why don’t we make more media outlets conducive to making morons (MUCH like myself) feel like anyone cares?
December 6, 2009
Team No Standards
Last night, I was introduced to an elite group referred to as TNS…Team No Standards. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I took the dive into Chubby Creek and set my sights on a fat girl. Before you judge me, know that my main motivation behind this was twofold:
1) A friend told me that a fat girl had given him the best orgasm of his life. And by friend, I mean Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck.
2) I was running interference on Ms. Egg McMuffin so a friend of mine could have his way with her slightly less fat and slightly more attractive companion for the night.
I don’t think I’ve ever had to work as hard as I did last night to get this girl to adjust her plans to work in our favour. After all that convincing, though, my intentions were very short lived, because the moment she opened her mouth, waves of regret crashed down upon me the way I’m sure waves of Hershey’s syrup crash down upon her jumbo sized Chunky Monkey dessert plate on a nightly basis. Weight can be lost, but stupidity is a little harder to cure.
At some point in the night, when I was so far past caring about anything this girl had to say, I overheard her mentioning how she and her friend were vegetarians because they were “against animal cruelty.” I piped in my response, “Could you please shutup, because it’s 4 in the morning, and I would like to be up at 9 so I can still get the steak sandwich from the McDonald’s breakfast menu.” I may or may not have added,”Is that why you look like a cow? To inspire sympathy for their plight? Or is it because since you don’t eat meat, you think the 30 pounds of cheese-wiz you slather on your curly fries won’t go straight to your ass?” Additionally, I may have also said,”If you don’t like animal cruelty, you should leave now, because I am about to beat the shit out of your beaver for everything you have said tonight.” Needless to say, my comments did NOT shut her up… in fact, it spurred on some stupid rant about how I was “mean” and some shit, but I was up at 9 for my steak sandwich, anyway, so fuck her.
As I delete her number from my phone, and thank my guardian angel for giving me the liver and the good sense to be able to steer clear of what could have been a very large mistake (pun intended), I leave you all with some very snarky words of advice:
Please keep your standards high.
December 2, 2009
Misery Loves Snarkery
Somewhere around the age of 16 I lost the drive to do anything.
November 27, 2009
New Snark City, Part Deux(z)
In celebration of my return to my sister’s apartment, where A Couple of Snark was first created, I felt an article was in order. The leftover Thanksgiving alcohol isn’t exactly hindering any illusions I might have about my own hilarity.
I dont really feel like putting a whole situation together for you assholes, so here’s just a collection of funny thoughts I had. I’m sure this all makes very little sense to you without context, but trust me, this shit was hilarious when I was driving down the turnpike to New York.
1) There are so many fucking MORBIDLY obese children gorging themselves at rest-stops on I-95. I guess the fact that they live in a nation that thrives off of coating every meal in cheese and then deep frying it and serving it with a 40oz sugar-packed soda doesn’t exactly help these poor little shits.
2) Their parents are also MORBIDLY obese. Is this why Americans love unnecessarily large SUVs? What exactly is the point of a car that looks like it was designed to do nothing but haul Laura’s big ass? Do you really need a 4WD vehicle to navigate the cul-de-sacs of your ritzy ass little neighbourhoods? I understand those leaves can be mighty tricky to handle in a sedan.
3) I’m bored. Thirsty.
I miss being funny.
November 26, 2009
Web-log this is not, thank God.
Zack pointed out earlier that this by no means is a blog, where we would share our day-to-day experiences. Lucky for you, I never even thought about doing that. Especially during this week, the worst of them all – Thanksgiving break.
It’s not like Christmas break where you at least have a good chunk of time to work or see people. By the time I even get caught up on all the sleep I’ve missed over the past two months, I’ll have just enough of my “break” left to re-dye my hair and get on a creepy bus driven by a guy with four fingers (total) back to the mountains.
I REALLY thought I wanted a week to do “nothing.” But do you know what nothing gets you, when you’re back in the town you wanted so badly to get out of two years ago? Not a whole hell of a lot.
I feel like I’m back in high school again, wasting away with things I can only pretend are important for so long.
Actually, yesterday wasn’t bad. My brother and I were well into our third hour of Disney Channel when a commerical for a show called “Zeke and Luther” came on. We don’t have the channel at home that show is broadcasted on, and Luke was pretty bummed – until he remembered where we DID get that channel, for free.
The Bryn Mawr Hospital. Otherwise known as the hell hole I was trapped in for FIVE DAYS (two of which I really didn’t know about) after baby’s first seizure this past summer.
Laura, you should have another seizure so we can watch this,
my on-the-ball brother said.
He meant no harm by saying it, but of course it brought me right back to the expired icing on the stale cake that was summer 2009.
I don’t remember it and I won’t go into detail, but I seized. Bad. Causing me to spend AN ENTIRE WEEK in a hospital where all the nurses were adorable and I could not shower or brush my teeth on my own. I was additionally barred from wearing a bra – not too fun when you’re a 32 C with no where to go but smaller.
If this isn’t your first time at acoupleofsnark, you’re probably aware of how very vain I am. This did not help. I looked DISASTROUS. And the unwarranted attention was pouring in. I appreciated it, for sure, but really did not need attention for surrendering all of my bodily and brain functions for an extended period of time… only to end up with bad hair and a swollen tongue.
One good thing that came out of it: Seize jokes come almost as easily as “that’s what Laura said” jokes did last year.
Oh right… soo if you haven’t seen it already by the hundreds on Facebook, Happy Thanksgiving, all. Enjoy your obligatory holiday as you sit around your family you haven’t talked to since Easter and pretend you like each other.
Hopefully, you all drink.
Love always,
A conceited ging
November 20, 2009
Fame: I Want to Snark Forever
At the risk of sounding big-headed (big, like Laura’s ass), you should know that this website has seen a steady increase in readership on post days, an acceptable number of habitual visitors (no doubt desperately hoping for a new post), and I might even go as far as to say we have 1 or 2 fans out there.
Cheers.
In my quest to be famous though, I need fuel for the fire of stardom that currently flickers as a small flame within the fragile construct of the kindling I call A Couple of Snark. I’ve thought of several ways to increase traffic… here are some of the ideas that have crossed my mind:
1) Create, share, and embed YouTube videos.
Stupid idea. YouTube wannabe stars are a dime a dozen. With Google now compensating popular uploaders quite well, the influx of stupid college kids trying to be the next Jackasses to earn a quick buck has taken a shit on any hope of my success.
And desperate parents are no better. Put down the camera, please. The fact that your precious Charlie keeps biting his brother’s finger is no reason for you to be a star…in fact, I would be more concerned about your son’s apparent oral fixation issues, which forecast a prolific future in cocksucking. Good luck, Charlie. When you grow up, go easy with the teeth, and don’t forget to work the balls.
2) Start an advice column.
This is possibly the best idea I’ve had since the conception of A Couple of Snark. I’m a great listener, and people value my opinion way too much (you’re doing it right now just by reading this). But the question remains; do I really care enough about your life to give you snarky advice about whatever trivial shit it is that’s bothering you nowadays? Nonetheless, if you do have a question where you think snark would be the obvious answer…feel free to pose it to me. Drop it in the comments field of this post, I guess.
3) Blogroll.
Not sure how I feel about this. I like the anonymity of this website. I believe that people who don’t know me can read and enjoy the articles without a problem. The issue here is that this is not a blog. Time for a vocab lesson:
Blog. noun. Shortened form of the word weblog, itself a portmanteau of the words web and log.
This isn’t a weblog. I don’t tell you what I do every day. This is a website with a collection of humorous articles.
I am not inviting you into my life.
4) Podcast
Laura’s voice is too high and whiny for this to work.
So I guess I’ll have to focus on maintaining the quality of my writing and just wait for the fame to come to me. FUCK.
November 19, 2009
OMG Boobs
Victoria’s Secret has come out with (another) push-up bra. This one promises to make you look two full cup sizes bigger.
I’ll take on in every color, two in black. I’m all about the false advertising when it comes to my less-than-there girls. They’ve made some progress since the 7th grade, but the closer I can get to Alessandra, I will.
One thing I don’t need: pants that make your ass look two sizes bigger. And I’m all kinds of okay with that.
