Last night, I was introduced to an elite group referred to as TNS…Team No Standards. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I took the dive into Chubby Creek and set my sights on a fat girl. Before you judge me, know that my main motivation behind this was twofold:
1) A friend told me that a fat girl had given him the best orgasm of his life. And by friend, I mean Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck.
2) I was running interference on Ms. Egg McMuffin so a friend of mine could have his way with her slightly less fat and slightly more attractive companion for the night.
I don’t think I’ve ever had to work as hard as I did last night to get this girl to adjust her plans to work in our favour. After all that convincing, though, my intentions were very short lived, because the moment she opened her mouth, waves of regret crashed down upon me the way I’m sure waves of Hershey’s syrup crash down upon her jumbo sized Chunky Monkey dessert plate on a nightly basis. Weight can be lost, but stupidity is a little harder to cure.
At some point in the night, when I was so far past caring about anything this girl had to say, I overheard her mentioning how she and her friend were vegetarians because they were “against animal cruelty.” I piped in my response, “Could you please shutup, because it’s 4 in the morning, and I would like to be up at 9 so I can still get the steak sandwich from the McDonald’s breakfast menu.” I may or may not have added,”Is that why you look like a cow? To inspire sympathy for their plight? Or is it because since you don’t eat meat, you think the 30 pounds of cheese-wiz you slather on your curly fries won’t go straight to your ass?” Additionally, I may have also said,”If you don’t like animal cruelty, you should leave now, because I am about to beat the shit out of your beaver for everything you have said tonight.” Needless to say, my comments did NOT shut her up… in fact, it spurred on some stupid rant about how I was “mean” and some shit, but I was up at 9 for my steak sandwich, anyway, so fuck her.
As I delete her number from my phone, and thank my guardian angel for giving me the liver and the good sense to be able to steer clear of what could have been a very large mistake (pun intended), I leave you all with some very snarky words of advice:
Please keep your standards high.
1 Comment
December 16, 2009 at 1:59 am
If this was at drexel, a rather fatty vegetarian girl came to me with a story about how a tall brown man was mean to her at a party. I have a feeling my fatty and your fatty vegetarian are the same person.