A Couple of Snark

T’was the snark before Christmas,
When, all through the house,
Not a person was sober,
Drunk on Famous Grouse.
The ladies asleep,
Jizz still in their hair,
As I crept out of bed,
And down, stair by stair.
Now under the tree,
Fallen off from the chez,
My 12-Pack of condoms,
And tossed off negligees.
But hark, do I see?
Do mine eyes deceive?
An unexplained gift,
On this Christmas Eve.
“Santa! He’s come!”
I yelled and exclaimed,
And danced, and pranced,
With no ounce of shame.
I picked up a note,
And read it with joy,
“Zachary, ho-ho-ho! You’ve been a very bad boy!”
My heart slowly sank,
With these words Santa wrote,
And my bones felt a chill,
Deep in my winter coat.
“You shameless lothario,
These women you’ve bed!
So for Christmas this year,
Not one more you will get.
I’ll teach you a lesson,”
He continued to scold.
“I’ll give you one crazy,
She’ll sure break the mold.
Her ass is as plump
As a ripe Christmas goose.
Her hair, red like holly,
Or bright Christmas fruit.”
“Oh no!” I cried out,
“Surely I don’t deserve!
Rapists or murderers,
But not this poor perv!”
With fear I did turn,
But to see standing there,
A girl, with an ass,
And the craziest hair.
My Christmas gift,
It appears, here to stay,
Is an unpleasant house guest,
In the snarkiest way.

—- Happy Holidays from the crew at A Couple of Snark —-
Love, Zack & Laura.

Thanks for nothing, airbags. Should have died.

I had alot of free time on my hands today, so I decided to try something new, and I bought a porno from Comcast On Demand. And don’t act like paying for it makes me some sort of disgusting freak; paying for porn is no different than whacking it to uploaded Facebook pictures of girls in slutty halloween costumes…not that I do that. I’m sorry if this is news to you, ladies, but “schoolgirl” is no longer sexy because the short skirts make your legs look chunky and do nothing for your pancake ass, while the thick glasses emphasize your large ears, asymmetrical face and chubby cheeks, and the unbuttoned shirt that’s tied just above your waist simply draws stares to your protruding gut and ever so delectable muffin top.

Returning to the lecture at hand, this has to be the worst waste of $9.99 ever. I am currently watching a very fat gap-toothed girl with “rock” tattooed on one hand, and “roll” on the other vigorously attempting to pleasure herself, withuptempo jazz music featured as the soundtrack.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I PAID FOR. The film (I use the term film very loosely…as loosely as the cooches on TV are dangling) is titled, “Slutty Sorority”. You would imagine, that this film might have something to do with drunken co-eds exploring their sexual identities with each other after a night of raucous partying, culminating in a very sensual pillow fight, as they push the boundaries of their collegiate sexuality while Peter Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like I Do” echoes softly in the background. The description was way off, as well…here’s what it said:

Slutty Sorority Sisters: Hot Dorm Room Sex – These young girls are so desperate to be included in this exclusive sorority, they get nude and naughty for our cameras – and so much more!

Bullshit. I kid you not, this is merely a collection of some of the nastiest looking, has-been porn stars I have ever seen doing nothing but fingering themselves.

Uptempo jazz? Really?

Comcast, I want my money back.

Last night, I was introduced to an elite group referred to as TNS…Team No Standards. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I took the dive into Chubby Creek and set my sights on a fat girl. Before you judge me, know that my main motivation behind this was twofold:

1) A friend told me that a fat girl had given him the best orgasm of his life. And by friend, I mean Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck.
2) I was running interference on Ms. Egg McMuffin so a friend of mine could have his way with her slightly less fat and slightly more attractive companion for the night.

I don’t think I’ve ever had to work as hard as I did last night to get this girl to adjust her plans to work in our favour. After all that convincing, though, my intentions were very short lived, because the moment she opened her mouth, waves of regret crashed down upon me the way I’m sure waves of Hershey’s syrup crash down upon her jumbo sized Chunky Monkey dessert plate on a nightly basis. Weight can be lost, but stupidity is a little harder to cure.

At some point in the night, when I was so far past caring about anything this girl had to say, I overheard her mentioning how she and her friend were vegetarians because they were “against animal cruelty.” I piped in my response, “Could you please shutup, because it’s 4 in the morning, and I would like to be up at 9 so I can still get the steak sandwich from the McDonald’s breakfast menu.” I may or may not have added,”Is that why you look like a cow? To inspire sympathy for their plight? Or is it because since you don’t eat meat, you think the 30 pounds of cheese-wiz you slather on your curly fries won’t go straight to your ass?” Additionally, I may have also said,”If you don’t like animal cruelty, you should leave now, because I am about to beat the shit out of your beaver for everything you have said tonight.” Needless to say, my comments did NOT shut her up… in fact, it spurred on some stupid rant about how I was “mean” and some shit, but I was up at 9 for my steak sandwich, anyway, so fuck her.

As I delete her number from my phone, and thank my guardian angel for giving me the liver and the good sense to be able to steer clear of what could have been a very large mistake (pun intended), I leave you all with some very snarky words of advice:

Please keep your standards high.

Somewhere around the age of 16 I lost the drive to do anything.

In celebration of my return to my sister’s apartment, where A Couple of Snark was first created, I felt an article was in order. The leftover Thanksgiving alcohol isn’t exactly hindering any illusions I might have about my own hilarity.

I dont really feel like putting a whole situation together for you assholes, so here’s just a collection of funny thoughts I had. I’m sure this all makes very little sense to you without context, but trust me, this shit was hilarious when I was driving down the turnpike to New York.

1) There are so many fucking MORBIDLY obese children gorging themselves at rest-stops on I-95. I guess the fact that they live in a nation that thrives off of coating every meal in cheese and then deep frying it and serving it with a 40oz sugar-packed soda doesn’t exactly help these poor little shits.

2) Their parents are also MORBIDLY obese. Is this why Americans love unnecessarily large SUVs? What exactly is the point of a car that looks like it was designed to do nothing but haul Laura’s big ass? Do you really need a 4WD vehicle to navigate the cul-de-sacs of your ritzy ass little neighbourhoods? I understand those leaves can be mighty tricky to handle in a sedan.

3) I’m bored. Thirsty.

I miss being funny.